It's been a hot minute since I updated this site, hasn't it? Well, I come bearing good news! I finished the page on my overture, Illustrious, so definitely go check that out because it's really awesome and you won't regret it.
2 cool things! Not only did the new Red Vox album, Visions, come out yesterday, but I also have a Discord server now! Join if you love to game and play/make music! We accept everyone and we'd love your company! ❤ https://discord.gg/ttbcwbp7UK
I was writing a new piece of music, an electronic overture to be specific, and I was hoping it would be done by Christmas, but one of my synths is being super uncooperative and I don't know why or how to fix it. Obviously, it wasn't done by Christmas. Soon, though. Very soon. It'll definitely be released in January 2022. Stay tuned if that sounds interesting to you!
I wrote another thing like maybe a week ago and I thought it might be worth sharing again. It's about how I think writing has helped me mentally to feel more stable and confident in myself. I refer to my works of writing as a companion, who is also referred to as a 'she' because I'm a transgender female, and I feel like I can be more open with that part of me in my writing. At the end, I thank her for helping me to see what I've been blind to for the longest time. In a way, this female "companion" within myself has helped me to feel better about myself because through her, which is actually me, I can recognize who I truly am, and embrace that part of me. Holy smokes, I pretty much just came out to the entire internet that I'm trans. Normally I wouldn't be so open about this, but today is Transgender Day of Remembrance, so what the heck? I need to be as brave as all of our trans brothers and sisters who have had to endure pain and violence for simply being who they really are inside. I hate homophobes and transphobes. Anyways, here's that thing I wrote.
The upbeat and charismatic aura of this haven has slowly vanished. I’m not upset that it’s gone, I’m upset that I didn’t notice it leaving. The positions of surrounding shadows have shifted. The space around me looks the same, but nothing feels the same. Am I still in the world I remember? It’s hard to tell the differences between what I’m feeling from the world around me and what I’m feeling from my head. Where do I draw the line between the two? I can feel my surroundings sucking the warmth out of me. I can feel the loneliness. I can feel the joy that is trying to be shoved down my throat. I can feel the weight of the ink that embodies myself through its own medium. I have created an immortal life. A fabricated being with no conscience or emotion, but filled with all the liveliness of myself. The limbo where my mind currently resides has no floor. It is a weightless abyss where I may be swimming for hours, searching for a meaning to all this. What is the point of a void if there is no point to be found? With the flesh of my hands and the voice of my head, I have given birth to a companion to accompany myself in the land where time may not exist. I have experimented with fabricating these lives in the past, but my current t companion has been far more helpful than its predecessors. I may not see out of the same eyes as those in my skull, but never before have I felt safer in my own self-inflicted limbo. Though my perception may be skewed, I can no longer feel the pain of residing inside my own skin. The very skin that has tormented me for the longest time, the very skin that forms the body of my companion, the very skin that I thought was cursed to sting for eternity. It no longer hurts; the pain doesn’t live inside me anymore. Instead, my companion holds it all. She has lifted the notion of fear off of me with the goodness of her heart. She has been one who I can confide in with my entire being, and I can never thank her enough for all she has done to change my life. I wish I could do more to express my gratitude. There is no way I could ever mortally repay for your troubles. Thank you so very much for all of your help. Know that I care about and love you for helping me to see.
Fun fact about my life: somewhat recently, I was called cute by two guys one day and called adorable by another guy on a different day. These two events happened within a week of each other. I wasn't even trying to look good, so it goes without saying that I felt pretty awesome that week.
I wrote a little something yesterday and I'd like to share it with the internet so here it is.
Why worry? Why live in anxiety when I can have no fears and let go? Why should I care what people might think of me? Though I could better myself with criticism, there lies a line between criticism and hatred. I’m fine with learning how to be a better person, but why should I have to listen to somebody putting me down for the sole purpose of hurting me? If you dislike a quality of me, you can express your feelings toward me directly to my face, and I’ll take thought in what you’ve said. If you dislike a part of me that I can’t change, why bother caring? I wouldn’t mind your thoughts being told to my face, in fact, I think I prefer hearing your direct opinion. I just think it’s stupid to hate a person so much for something they can’t change. Why do you care so much? Maybe it’s difficult to feel a lack of control on the world around you. Maybe you feel as though you’ve failed in some aspect. And if something so trivial that doesn’t affect you bother you this much, then what’s really true about anything you’ve said? So far as I’m concerned, everything I’ve ever heard you say has been a lie. Your love is a lie because if you truly cared about me, then you wouldn’t be so mad right now. There’s nothing to be mad about; you’re making such a fuss out of something that’s not worth caring about this much. What part of you still holds this hatred after all this futility? Why should we care? Each day goes on, and they will each be the same, so why worry about the constants? If it can’t change, then there’s no need to fear it and anticipate change. Can we be mad at something that’s always been? Am I lying to myself? Is what I feel a lie? Am I hiding anger and sorrow by masking it as joy? Each time I think about this thing, this part of me, I feel more tranquil and comfortable with myself, but then I also think about how others don’t reciprocate this feeling, or rather, how they won’t. They refuse to accept it as a part of me. Am I wrong for existing as I am? How am I supposed to satisfy my surrounding eyes if the way I exist displeases them? It doesn’t make much sense, as I’m not sure where to go from here. Is there anywhere to go from here? Is there something wrong with my head for me seeing myself differently than how I’m “supposed to”? What if I don’t want to conform to the standards set by my surroundings. I just want to feel comfortable and happy with myself, but right as I think I’ve found how to do that, there’s so much swimming through my head that makes me feel alone and like there’s something wrong with me. I don’t know. I’ll figure it out somehow, some way, probably.
Procrastination is one hell of a thing. So is laziness. Anyway, I don't have a Google Site made yet sooo... yeah. I'm not sure if I'll make one. I have better news tho - my latest and greatest album is almost finished!!! I only have a couple of tracks I need to perfect and then it'll be done. I don't have a whole lot to write here, I just wanted to write something because I haven't updated this in a while. That is all.
Guess what?! HTML and CSS can go suck my duck (duck is not a typo) because it is so darn hard to work with. Because of this, I am in the process of making a new website with Google Sites, because that would be way easier than wasting my life figuring out how the hell to make images sit side by side with one another. I would never take this site down, I just want to continue progress on a better, more understandable platform. That is all, thanks for listening!
Ayo I'm continuing my progress on making this site at least a decent dumpsterfire. I realized that this probably looks really lame because the home page doesn't have anything on it, so I decided to put a blog-like thing on the home page and all cool updates will be at the top. What will be in this blog thingy? The answer is simple: updates on my creations, my thoughts, and whatever else I feel like putting here. Today is a Friday, and I usually livestream on Fridays. I was planning to play the game "Juice Galaxy", because I just got that recently and it looks like a boatload of crazy fun. If you want to watch, I'll start at maybe about 5:00 PM central time over on my twitch page: twitch.tv/stilln0body. Can't wait to see you there!
Yee
This site was born on Oct. 9, 2020.